It's ok

God completely intrigues and never ceased to amaze me!  One particular night, as we hung out, my heart felt heavy and conflicted.  "I am not okay."  The words reluctantly rose from my gut.  I was stunned as He answered, "It's okay."  What?  No, it's not okay, was all I could think.  He gently countered, "It's okay that you are not okay."  ....I fully exhaled for the first time in a very long while.  The healing of His statement continues to fall in layers.  You see, I gravitate towards the tenacity of a pit bull.  Usually my plan involves sanguinity and optimism with the complete determination to annihilate all negativity.  Admitting my defeat to God is never a portion of the objective.  If I can simply latch on to scripture and my unwavering optimism, I can do all things (neglecting the "through him who gives me strength" portion-Philippians 4:13.)  He was not surprised by my disclosure nor did He respond that I should consider it pure joy (Jas. 1:2.)
He simply held me close as I acknowledged my weakness.  I obviously couldn't see His face but, personally, I imagine He was smiling.

vulnerable

This is not the post I intended to publish.  Thirty-two hours have passed since I'd worked over my thesaurus, pulling out words that look impressive.  The article was replete with Scripture and religious platitudes (2 Corinthians 12:9.)  You may have enjoyed it.  Thirty-two hours can create a huge discrepancy in perspectives.  I returned to my lap top with fresh insight.  You see, its theme pertained to how we discover God's strength through our weakness.  I often cite this Scripture to myself as I know from personal experience that it is factual.  Currently, the transfer of this Scripture-the 18 inches from my head to my heart-is under reconstruction.  I find myself in a position where I feel so intolerably weak.  I believe that Jesus understands that I really don't want to pay attention to that Scripture right now.  Perhaps a portion of the weakness of which Paul speaks is the feeling that we have been entirely decimated and we have no idea if Jesus will even show up.  At times, I've questioned if He's listening.  That is real life and as vulnerable as it gets.  There are no answers...other than His; and currently, He's not talking.